WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new archeological discovery suggests that ancient civilizations used spreadsheets not for accounting, but as a method of torture.
The tablets, unearthed in a dig site outside Cairo, show rows and columns carved into stone. Researchers believe rulers forced prisoners to fill them with meaningless numbers until they begged for mercy.
“People endured endless rows, broken formulas, and cells that did not align,” said Dr. Aaron Miller, lead archeologist on the site. “It was cruel, but effective.”
Centuries later, the world has forgotten that history. Instead of rejecting spreadsheets, business owners now use them willingly.
Freelancers spend weekends entering receipts by hand. Entrepreneurs crash laptops with bloated Excel files. Small businesses lose hours scrolling through tabs that never add up.
“It is tragic irony,” Dr. Miller said. “What once broke prisoners now breaks entrepreneurs.”
Modern experts say the solution is simple. Replace spreadsheets with tools built for today. “We do not need torture in accounting,” said Dr. Miller. “We need progress.”
And for many, that progress has a name: SparkReceipt.
